Grown-up Growing Up: My Take on Friendship

I won't apologize for not "having friends" - and here's why.

When I was in middle school, I had a New Years Eve party. My sister and I always did something for the New Year, but that year she wasn't around. I invited all the friends I had, even ones I wasn't really close to. I wanted a lot of people to show up so that I could feel important.

No one came.

Technically, one person did come, but she came late and I was over it. I ended up going to a different party with one of my then friends and her parents (she couldn't get out of it to come to mine, so I just went with her). Still, I felt awful. At the time, I felt like I had a lot of friends. I invited some 10 people. But what did it matter?

I learned something important then. I learned that I could fill my phone, my table at lunch, and even my room full of people, but at the end of the day, a lot of these people were just that - fillers.

I stopped having parties. I stopped trying to force people to be a part of my life. I stopped being upset when everyone else seemed to have someone or somewhere to be.

This seems sad, but it's not. Maybe I don't have a lot of friends. Maybe I don't text people all day. Maybe I spend a lot of nights in alone. But I don't care, because I know better.

Most people my age have large groups of friends, and sometimes in the moment, I feel like I'm failing, or like there's something wrong with me because I'm not like them. I've been called out on it. I've been told I should have more friends. I've been told I'm too lonely.

I'm not alone, though. I have a few close friends that I spend time with whenever we can make it work. They are not the people I talk to all day every day. They're not the people I fill every night with. They are, however, the few people I can always rely on. The few people I'd tell everything to.

I've come to realize that society as a whole is always going to make me feel poorly about not meeting my age groups' standards for how many friends I should have and how I should spend my nights.

I'm not failing, though. I think I've just grown into an adult life a little earlier than most. I've long been told that I'm mature for my age or that I'm an "old soul." This is just one way this is clear to me.

When I look at the adults in my life, most of them have their significant others and a few friends they see when they can. None of them go out every night with a big group and none of them text all day. I can't imagine what it would be like if they did do this.

On the New Years Eve that I found myself crushed and alone, I decided to stop giving temporary friends that much power over my happiness. I decided to invest in the friends that I can actually count on, that I can build futures with, and that I know will go with me into adulthood.

So, sure, I'll meet new people. I meet lots of people at college that I talk to occasionally. I don't, however, have or make a lot of friends.

And I won't apologize for it. I won't feel badly about it. I won't let my peers make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I am fulfilled and I am happy with what, and who, I have because I can accept that I'm just in that place in my life already.

I love the friends I have. I can count on the friends I have. And I'm okay knowing that I've already let go of the temporary so that I can move on to the permanent.

Everyone wants to ride in the limo with me (Literally. I had a birthday party once with a limo and a lot of people came). But who wants to ride with me when the limo breaks down and I have to take the bus?

Those are the only friends I want.