Sign of the Times

I hate change. And no one prepared me for just how much there is.

When I was kid, I had a box-sized, bright pink bedroom. There wasn't much furniture. Just a twin bed, dresser, bookcase, bed-side table, and a folding chair. It was cramped, but I had it all positioned just how I wanted it. For some reason, when I was growing up, it was always "the thing" to redecorate your room. My friends and I would sit down and read teen magazines about it, then plan our own room. One day, I took a scratch piece of paper and decided it was time to switch up my room. I perfectly mapped out where I wanted to move each piece of furniture in a poorly scaled drawing.

I showed it to my mom, and she happily helped me move everything. We had to take out drawers and empty shelves, but we met my mapped-out expectations. Nothing was really different. Everything looked - and was - the exact same, just in a different place. After we moved everything, my mom left and I sat down on the floor and stared.

I stared at the changes I'd made, and I hated it. I tried so hard to like it. I tried to tell myself it was what I wanted, and that it looked good. But that wasn't the point. The point was that it wasn't the same anymore. I wanted it to be the same.

My mom, being the compassionate and understanding person that she is, helped me move everything back to where it was before. I wasn't any older than 11, but experienced a kind of fear, of pain, that I've come to realize owns my life sometimes.

It's not really a feeling I can out into words. Believe me, I've tried.

To me, change is an unfortunate combination of both certainty and uncertainty. I know that things are going to be different and difficult, but it's impossible for me to know exactly how or what that will mean for my life. It feels like I'm losing something, not gaining something. In reality, it's both.

I know that change is good and necessary, sometimes. But I also know that it sometimes makes me feel like I'm riding a wave and am struggling to surf over the ups and downs of it.

People always ask me why I can't "embrace the moment," "go with the flow," or some other slang that really just means "why aren't you normal?"

I don't know. I don't know why I sobbed for hours when my sister told me she was pregnant. Or when I moved to college. Or when I moved home from college. Or when I got a new scar. I don't know why I had to paint my room in sections so it wouldn't send me into panic. Or why I can't paint my fingernails or dye my hair. The list goes on.

But here's what I do know.

No one ever said it was going to be easy. Maybe I do handle it worse than others. Maybe I overreact or overthink too much. Maybe, for me, change is ?

I'm a different person every day. I'm working on being okay with that.

Because, in the end, it doesn't matter how much change there is. All of it, no matter how heart-wrenching or confusing, is leading up to something. Leading up to the rest of my life, whatever that might be.

Yes, I still hate change. I always will. And it will always surprise me how often I have to face it.

But I'm working, I'm trying, and I'm learning, and I'm living.

I've just finished my first year of college (only 3 semester left, by the way), and it feels like a new chapter all over again. And it'll feel that way come August when I move back. I don't know how I'll handle it, but I do have some words to live by.

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right.

- Tony Robbins

Change is the only constant in life. And somehow, that gives me peace.