What an Emotionally Abusive Relationship Looks Like

The time has come. It's time for me to be real about my last relationship. I remember when I posted pics of us, everyone would comment how happy I looked. And maybe I was, or at least, I thought I was. Looking back now, I know that I was miserable. Many of those pictures had horrible memories associated with them. I spend two full years letting him destroy me until my self-worth, confidence, trust, and mental stability were gone. I didn't even recognize myself. And still, I didn't see the abuse.

I was truly, madly, deeply in love with him (and I'm genuinely not sure if he ever REALLY loved me.) Every time he hurt me, I felt like I had to love him harder. The first serious incident happened in December of 2018, and from there, it only got worse. But I only see the abuse now, with a little help from friends and family.

It still sucks. I still feel the pain. It sucks to love someone when all they are capable of is hurting you. And for some reason, that makes it even harder to let go. The point is, abusive relationships are not easy to spot. I'm no expert, but I do have experience. So, what does an abusive relationship look like?

Gaslighting

I had no idea what gaslighting even was until my roommate at the time mentioned it to me because she felt it was happening to me. She was right. Lying is gaslighting. Making someone feel crazy/over emotional is gaslighting. Excessive joking that you don't find funny is gaslighting. If you feel like you're constantly overreacting in your relationship, you may be a victim of gaslighting. Similar, they'll use phrases like "if you love me then....." to manipulate you. They're always the victim. I wasn't crazy, and neither are you.

Unhealthy Boundaries

I was not his girlfriend. I was his mother. I woke him up at 4 a.m. every day for work, I did his dishes, I cleaned his room, I did his school work, and I kept track of every single thing he needed. He never asked me to do any of these things, but once I did them once, it was expected of me. And I did it because I was scared of losing him. This is an example of giving a lot of yourself without consideration of what you can get back. Other unhealthy boundaries include going against your personal values to please them and letting them have significant influence over your worth/character.

Lack of Validation

Remember earlier how I said that I crossed boundaries because I was scared of losing him? Yeah, it's not supposed to be like that. If your significant other does not care to listen your feelings and shuts you down, they're not validating you. I remember once sobbing on his bed because I thought he was leaving me. He just sat there and played video games for an hour before he even tried to communicate. If you're scared you're going to be abandoned, it's because you're not safe. It's not you.

Insults/Discouraging Your Growth

Though he rarely insulted me, I do remember a very specific case in which one of his friends posted something hateful about me, and instead of defending me, he told me it was "my problem." That's not how that should be in a healthy, supportive relationship. Also, I would not be a soon-to-be grad student at the age of 20 if I was still in that relationship. My therapist best described it like this: I wanted a partner, but what I actually had was a leech sitting on my back sucking all my motivation and energy out of me. Everything had to go to him. Everything I did was for him. Period.

Separation from Loved Ones

I used to be such a friend oriented person. I lost them all when I got close to him. I always had to be home with him because he didn't want to be with my friends and I was scared to leave him alone. An abuser might criticize your loved ones or their passions so that you'll stay home with them. Then, they'll go out whenever they want. And you find, suddenly, that you're completely alone without them. That was what they wanted.

Unrealistic Standards

If your partner has a set of standards that they fail to meet themselves, then you're likely being abused. A common one in that the partner feels very strongly that you must always be honest and treats you horribly if not, yet they themselves constantly lie and expect it to be okay. They may also project, accusing you of things that they themselves are guilty of.

Cheating

If you know, you know. Don't second guess yourself because they gaslit you into believing otherwise. I was once cheated on "as a joke." Come on. That's all I can say on that.

There's so much more to mental and emotional abuse than this, but at this point in time, this is all I can find the strength to share. He was horrible for me, and yet I loved him. I loved him too much. I don't now. But I still feel the pain. It sticks with you, maybe forever. And that's still a hard pill for me to swallow.

He wrote me a note once that said "I know one day I'll see you at the top." He's right. One day he will see me at the top. But he won't have had any part of getting me there, and he won't be there with me.

Know your worth. Oh yeah, and you're not supposed to cry every day.