You Don't Know Heartbreak Until...

Heartbreak isn't just a sadness over someone you lost. It's not just a breakup. Breakups are somewhat common, normal. They're easier to recover from. A heartbreak is a whole new level of pain and grief. Six months later, and I still consider myself heartbroken. I genuinely had no idea it would be this bad. This hard. This painful.

If you're going through it, know two things. First, whatever you're feeling is probably normal and it's okay. And second, there is no timeline for healing. You don't have to be over it just because you feel like enough time has passed. I get it. It's not that easy.

And, if you're lucky enough to have ever experienced heartbreak, maybe this will teach you a little bit about something your friends or loved ones may be feeling.

So, you don't know heartbreak until...

Until you don't want to sleep, because you know that when you wake back up, you'll forget for a split second and then have to go through the pain of remembering all over again.

Until everything that should be a simple daily task becomes a painful part of your day, because it somehow has a memory associated with them. For me, grocery shopping became next to impossible. So did taking walks. Sitting in Starbucks. Going to class. Eating Panda Express. Things that should be "normal" are painful.

Until you can spend a whole day feeling happy, just to come home and cry because you're not happy in the way that you wanted.

Until you go through all the stages of grief, multiple times. Sometimes, multiple times a day. It's exhausting to hurt, bargain, plead and accept just to go through it all again. And again. And again.

Until you spend a majority of your day replaying everything - the good and the bad. You can't escape.

Until you've lost so much weight and the color has faded from your skin. You're a ghost of who you used to be, but you don't care.

Until you can't listen to happy music. But you also can't listen to sad music. You just want to sit in silence with yourself.

Until you're surrounded by friends and loved ones and still don't feel like you belong because your home was a person, not a place. No where else feels right anymore.

Until a single word can take you into a flashback that consumes you. Suddenly, you're crying on the floor and you have no idea how you got there. It hurts like day 1 all over again.

Until you have to throw away everything that you used to love because it reminds you of them. You literally can't hold onto those things. Remember that outfit you wore on that date that one time? It has to go.

Until you can physically feel the pain in your chest. The emptiness. It feels like someone has reached inside you and is just squeezing your heart.

Until you just want them to be okay more than you want yourself to be okay. It's almost as if the heartbreak brings out a whole new level of love for them.

Until you feel like you'd rather die than feel this way inside.

Heartbreak isn't sitting around watching chick flicks, eating ice cream and crying for a few days. It's much more complex, much more disheartening and much more draining than that.

It's curling up in a ball in physical, emotional and mental pain. It's sobbing until your body shakes and you can't breathe. It's not sleeping. Not eating. After awhile, it's just going through the motions, hoping that nothing will trigger you today. It's knowing that the second you get home, it'll hit. It's waking up, rolling over and still having the reflex to text them, no matter how much time has passed.

Heartbreak is forcibly removing someone from your life and your mind. It hurts. It hurts more than any of these words can express. Maybe the worst part is that after awhile, you accept the hurt. But you have absolutely no idea when it'll end.

You don't know heartbreak until you feel like you're going to spend your whole life missing a part of yourself. Because they were - they are - a part of you.